Now we wait for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully we will be the outlier, and defy statistics.
Meanwhile the illness, MDS, remains with the fatigue and the bruising, the elephant in the room.
But there is also good quality of life. There is joy. There is laughter.
After the visit with Dr. N, I return to the East Coast. Back in my normal routine, I ask myself what can I do?
I am watchful of course, waiting for the right moment to push for another opinion, for an opinion outside of Kaiser, my daughter’s health care provider. Doctors from the same institution tend to agree with each other. There is family resistance to this idea because of the exorbitant expense ($15,000) of going out of network; But also significant: why keep the illness in front of our faces when it can be pushed aside? It’s not as if there is a treatment on offer, or the powers that be are asking us to do anything.
So I bide my time.
You cannot bend adults to your will easily. When you feel you are right it is all too easy to push your agenda, and that push can cause unnecessary pain and friction and not get you the desired result. Also, as Mother, I am reluctant to force my child to look squarely at a really hard thing.
Wisdom requires waiting for the right moment.
While I wait for what the material world can offer, I turn my attention to toward seeking spiritual help.
Daily, I offer prayer, and after prayer I enter into both a MediSounds meditation and a silent meditative state, and in that state I access a level of connection to universal energies of calm, support and love. Sometimes there are even powerful messages that shape the way forward.
My gift is such that not only can I access this energy, but I can hold this energy while I connect with others. So that they can feel in real time its healing warmth.
Time and distance are no impediments. In this meditative state I am able to access higher healing energies in New York and transmit them to her in California as a felt experience.
For three months I visited other realms, felt the touch and energy of the angels and delivered this to her daily.
And she received these gifts, buoying her spirits.
And while the MediSounds and meditative sounds are not curative, they are supportive and comforting — a critical reminder that even in very difficult circumstance one can find meaning, direction and purpose.
This process gives stature to our struggles, and our transient lives. And who knows? It might have profound, if subtle, health benefits as well.
After three months of disciplined effort, we definitely felt the positive effects of the MediSounds and visionary meditations on our attitude and hopefulness. The practices were enormously relieving.
At the end of that period, I felt sustained, my daughter felt sustained. Yet, I also was keenly aware of the limitations of my abilities.
She still had MDS.
I felt the need for a stronger connection; this I set out to find.